Hilarious Quotes to Bring Laughter and Cheers to Your Day
 
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Have a break and a good laugh with this light-hearted collection of hilarious quotes.
Some of these are really funny, some are silly, some are witty, but all in good fun.
In your busy everyday life, slow down, read a few funny quotes, laugh, recharge your energy and continue to seize your day!
May you always have something to laugh about!
A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools.
-- Douglas Adams
An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.
-- Agatha Christie
Always remember that true beauty comes from within â€" from within bottles, jars, compacts, and tubes.
-- Peter's Almanac
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them, and you have their shoes.
-- Frieda Norris
Behind every successful man stands a surprised mother-in-law.
-- Hubert Humphrey
Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.
-- Ralph Bus
Committee - a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours.
-- M. Berle
Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
-- Robert Orben
Fashion is what you adopt when you don't know who you are.
-- Quentin Crisp
He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.
-- Zsa Zsa Gabor
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
-- Lily Tomlin
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
-- A. Whitney Brown
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
-- Douglas Adam
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
-- Groucho Marx
I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.
-- Les Dawson
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
-- Dennis Miller
If at first you do not succeed, then skydiving is surely not meant for you.
-- Author Unknown
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
-- Author Unknown
If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigerator are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all.
-- Joey Adams
If you are not living life on the edge then you are taking up too much space.
-- Author Unknown
If you can't go over it or through it, you'd better negotiate with it.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant
If you have something to say and say nothing, you are really telling a lie.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
-- Woody Allen
I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do you wantâ€"an adorable pancreas?
-- Jean Kerr
It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
-- Dave Barry
It is not necessary to understand, or believe, things in order to argue about them.
-- Pierce Caronde Beaumarchin
Lisa, Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.
-- Homer Simpson
Look how often the unexpected happens -- yet we still never expect it.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant
Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage.
-- Ambrose Bierce
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
-- Jimmy Durante
No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying.
-- Author Unknown
Nobody goes where the crowds are anymore. It's too crowded.
-- Yogi Berra
One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.
-- Bertrand Russell
One possible reason that I don't believe in fate is that I wasn't fated to.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant
No, I don't have a solution, but I certainly admire the problem.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant
Shopping is better than sex. At least if you’re not satisfied, you can exchange it for something you really like.
-- Adrienne Gusoff
Sticks and stones may break my bones but words ... words might hurt me deeply, causing great emotional, mental, and psychological damage leading to a lowered self-esteem and decreased work-related efficiency.
-- Anonymous
Strike while your employer has a big contract.
-- Author Unknown
Tact is the art of making guests feel at home when that’s really where you wish they were.
-- George E. Bergman
The conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
-- Arthur Bloc
The making of a journalist: no ideas and the ability to express them.
-- Karl Kraus
The trouble with children is that they're not returnable.
-- Quentin Crisp
The very purpose of existence is to reconcile the glowing opinion we hold of ourselves with the appalling things that other people think about us.
-- Quentin Crisp
This woman did not fly to extremes; she lived there.
-- Quentin Crisp
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
-- Albert Einstein
When children are doing nothing, they are doing mischief.
-- Henry Fielding
Why do people say "no offense" when they're about to offend someone?
-- Author Unknown
Why is it when we talk to God we're praying, but when God talks to us, we're schizophrenic?
-- Lily Tomlin
You have to be careful if you don't know where you're going because you might not get there.
-- Yogi Berra
You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.
-- George Burns
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