I Wonder What Happened To - Visitor's Inspiring Story

by Cathy Dalton
(Chesapeake, VA, USA)

The best advice I could give a young woman wanting to begin a career is to remember the things that made you happy when you were young. Remember the friendships you were able to forge during those developmental years. Even the ones you were able to hold on to through high school, additional friendships made in college. Once you begin to pour everything into work, then family, and career, those friendships fade, but only if you let them.

I have been in the working world now for more than 25 years. I had fun in high school, made some wonderful friends. Yes, all those BFF (Best Friends Forever) comments in the yearbooks I fondly review now and wonder…what ever happened to…? In college, the first couple years were tough, but once I joined a campus sorority, I certainly enjoyed every day of college life. The tests and exams were great. Why? I spent quality time with friends cramming for exams into the early morning hours. It wasn’t your typical live-in sorority house. Zoning regulations kept us from having that full sorority experience, but we made the most of it. Our sorority house had no hot water and I still recall all of us screaming trying to wash our hair before we went to class. If nothing else, the cold water sure woke us up!

Now, 25 years later, I feel I have been successful in my career in banking. But, at what expense? I’ve been with the same management team for more than 20 years, although under three different financial institution names. Over the last nine years we poured ourselves into a brand spanking new bank. I had a lot of responsibility, managed a few people and wore many hats for my various responsibilities.

When I think back to when I joined this team, I had a two year old, had been married for about three years with a husband that worked the graveyard shift. About a month after joining the bank, we learned we were expecting our second bundle of joy. Our son was in preschool, we were still trying to work the married life out, and our financial independence was something we could only dream about having one day. But, we persevered. All my work buddies threw me a baby shower as the due date came closer. The day of my baby shower I learned I had a new boss. Maybe that is what sent me into labor that night, wondering what it would be like when I returned from maternity leave.

Maternity leave, HA! I had been with a new company for only a short time, only had a few days sick leave accrued and two weeks vacation coming. It had to be the shortest maternity leave on records. Family Sick Leave and the twelve weeks of job availability was certainly an option, until one considered the financial expense and then it was just not feasible. Within days of giving birth to our beautiful girl, I had my young assistant from work bring me lunch from Taco Bell and a stack of loan files to review for the week. This went on for a good four weeks until I returned to work. Did I take away time from my new baby during this time to work on loan files? No, I saved it for when she was sleeping, which sure didn’t seem like very often. I also saved it for when my husband would leave for work at night and the two little ones were down for the evening. I usually knew I had at least four hours till that first night feeding would call me away.

Then the thought of returning to work. How would we ever handle two in day care, a husband on the night shift and me working all day? It was a blessing that I had a husband at home during the day that could help for the first few months of day care, but he required sleep too. When our son was young, he would sleep with dad during the day and would end up keeping me company at night. His sleep cycle was totally upside down. Many a morning I went to work with about an hour’s sleep. Eye concealer was my best friend for sure. Our daughter didn’t sleep as well during her early months, so within nine months she was in day care. Financial independence had to wait a tad longer.

We have now survived the 27 year mark for our marriage. That second little bundle of joy is now 20 years old and a beautiful young woman. Our son is 23, out on his own, and finding that independence has a price in more ways than one. Neither had the urge to attend college, despite funds put aside in retirement plans to take care of it if they did so decide. That was our dream for them, but it wasn’t their dream and that’s all perfectly fine. We just want them to be happy. No different than any other parent wants for their children. So maybe that financial independence will be there for us one day, as long as the economy and the fluctuating markets don’t wipe it out entirely.

Back to friendships. My closest friends now don’t extend beyond my family circle. Certainly my husband is my best friend, but when a woman needs woman talk, it does require another woman! Men just don’t understand some things! The sign of tears and they fall apart. Women can cry with other woman. We just understand those kinds of things. There was a time when I was very close to one of my work associates. Our families would go on weekend camping trips, bowling together, spend time in the backyard during the summer having cookouts, swimming and having fun. But, I was her supervisor and, unfortunately, she fell victim to layoff many years ago when the merging of banks and an economic turned caused the bank to take a closer look at expenses. I learned the afternoon of her meeting with the CEO that she would be let go. I was bound to silence. To this day I have not spoken to her although there were many times I wanted to call her, especially when I heard her marriage had failed. While just about anyone would like to hear from a friend during that time, have that support, I knew I would not be a welcomed call. From this point on, I was hesitant to form a friendship with any of my associates at work.

Yet another time, a woman I had worked with for years joined my department of one as the bank was approaching its third year of success and growth. At first our relationship was very much a team effort, working together to get the job done. At some point, and I’m not sure when, I became a threat to her. I wish she knew the effort I had put in to advance her in her position. Not all saw the potential that I saw in her and, unfortunately, that working relationship became a pure hell.

When you consider that you spend more time with your associates at work then you do with your own family, how could you not have social relationships? Some people are able to manage and have both, but it is much more difficult when you are in a managing position. You want your coworkers to trust you and to trust that you are looking out for their best interests. As a team leader, I am very blessed to have wonderful people. I am fond of each and every one of them. Would we go out socially for dinner? Would we call each other for that big sale at the mall? Perhaps. But they are there for me when I need them at work, and it fulfills that need.

What I have learned about myself is that I have poured so much into family and work; I have left out another important element, friends. What will become of me when my children no longer need me? What will become of me when I train my young people at work to be better at the job than I am? After all, that really is what it is all about isn’t it? I don’t plan to work forever. I feel I’m irreplaceable at work, but I’m really not. I’m just the one everyone comes to when things need to get D-O-N-E. I’m the one who has on more than occasion spent endless hours at work and at home on projects and special needs. Sure, I had the admiration of my superiors, but, again, at what cost?

Most recently, I literally poured everything I had at work into a new project that took about three years to become fully functional and accepted by the lenders. I proudly accepted an award, with my team, in beautiful Palm Springs California in front of a thousand peers from banks around the country. I was so proud of what we had accomplished, and so proud of the people that helped us to accomplish that goal. My visions for this process didn’t exactly go as far as planned, but I am still an important piece of the process. While not totally responsible for it success, you can bet I’ll be a big piece should it ever fail...HA!

Very sadly it’s only now that I realize what I put aside all these years. Only now is it time for me to change that and perhaps rekindle some of those friendships or take on new things to make me feel good about me. Yes, it’s lonely at the top, but I am the one who needs to change. I need to focus on those things that should be important to me and haven’t been for the last twenty plus years.

So, young lady, out to set the world on fire, young mothers and working women, please keep some of these thoughts in mind. You can be a success at whatever you set your mind to, but don’t lose sight of who you are and the friends you have now. In a blink of an eye, you can turn around and wonder where the time went and begin asking yourself, “I wonder whatever happened to….”