Short Funny Quotes
 
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For some comic relief, dig into this collection of short funny quotes to jazz up your day.
If you choose to take things in a light-hearted manner, there's usually a funny side to most things.
Let yourself be amused by these funny sayings and quotes. Enjoy!
A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognised.
-- Fred Allen, Treadmill to Oblivion
A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours.
-- Milton Berle
A diet is when you watch what you eat and wish you could eat what you watch.
-- Hermione Gingold
Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
-- Bill Cosby
An egotist is someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
-- Author Unknown
Anything is good if it's made of chocolate.
-- Jo Brand
Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a misprint.
-- Mark Twain
Be like a duck, my mother used to tell me. Remain calm on the surface and paddle like hell underneath.
-- Michael Caine
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
-- Author Unknown
Competition brings out the best in products and the worst in people.
-- David Sarnoff
I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom.
-- Bob Hope
I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.
-- Emo Philips
I was feeling very irritable. It was that difficult time of the month when the credit card statement arrives.
-- Julie Walters
If at first you don't succeed, order pizza.
-- Author Unknown
If you want your children to listen, try talking softly - to someone else.
-- Ann Landers
I'm a godmother. That's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short. That's cute - I taught her that.
-- Ellen DeGeneres
Many people lose their tempers merely from seeing you keep yours.
-- Author Unknown
Most conversation are simply monologues delivered in the presence of witnesses.
-- Margaret Millar
My doctor is wonderful. Once when I couldn't afford an operation, he touched up the X-rays.
-- Joey Bishop
My father confused me. From the ages of one to seven, I thought my name was Jesus Christ.
-- Bill Cosby
My husband says I feed him like a god; every meal is a burnt offering.
-- Rhonda Hansome
No one can be exactly like me. Sometimes even I have trouble doing it.
-- Tallulah Bankhead
People who are pro smacking children say, 'It's the only language they understand.' You could apply that to tourists.
-- Jack Dee
Some people pay a compliment as if they expect a receipt.
-- Kin Hubbard
The biggest critics of my books are the people who never read them.
-- Jackie Collins
The first law of dietetics seems to be: if it tastes good, it's bad for you.
-- Isaac Asimov
The real menace in dealing with a five-year-old is that in no time at all you begin to sound like a five-year-old.
-- Jean Kerr, Please Don't Eat the Daisies
The trouble with children is that they are not returnable.
-- Quentin Crisp, The Naked Civil Servant
There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
-- Henry Kissinger
To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.
-- Paul Ehrlich
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up.
-- Phyllis Diller
What you eat standing up doesn't count.
-- Beth Barnes
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