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Forever Under His Wings - Visitor's Poem

by Casey Rengo
(Pullman, WA, United States)

So you see it all started when I turned 16,
Got my blazer and my ID,
Always looking for that shortcut,
That would lead me to next cut,
Thought I had it all figured out,
Stopped thinking that it wouldn’t work out,
Kept dipping through that round about,
Didn’t notice when my friends stopped looking out,
But I noticed when my friends stopped hanging out,
They thought that I would change my ways,
After they kicked me out,
When all I needed was a knock out,
Cause the shit I was doing was gonna get me locked up,
You see I thought I was the life of the party,
It was never too far out of the way,
For me to get faded,
At the point I didn’t realize I was self-medicating,
I thought I was just self-elevating,

But it caught up to me right after New Year’s,
I was 17 when I got my DUI,
I know it's cliché,
But I truly thought I would never get caught,
Everything was so vivid when I was riding in that backseat,
I remembered that time when I was 13,
I had just moved to Kent,
Two weeks later I was detained with my friend Brady,
We were climbing on a school roof,
Really wanted that wall ball up there,
Well that’s what we told the cop,
We were just trying to be aloof,
Just looking for a cool place to skate,
Thought it was up there on that roof,
But that time I wasn’t about to go to jail,
The second time my step dad picked me up was much worse,
He didn’t lay a hand on me,
Because he knew he didn’t have to,
Disappointed can be a much worse fate,
I had to find out the hard way,
That a genetic disorder had recently blossomed,
I thought that experience was going to be the hardest in my life,
I was just too young and naïve,

Now I’m gonna skip a year and two minor episodes,
I say minor because in comparison they are,
Even though each one left me pretty shaken up,
Full of doubt and confusing memories,
All because I was still not medicated,
They tried to give me Zoloft and Lorazepam,
For those that don’t know,
They gave me anti-anxiety medication,
One of which,
Is much like Xanax,
You see to manics,
Xanax is like candy that sets you free,

I’ve always prided myself in the fact,
That I have never done a drug besides marijuana,
Which is hardly a drug,
So the year is 2010,
I’m 18 and just got fired from my job,
The same job that ruined my sleeping schedule,
And normally that’s not a problem,
But when you’re me it is,
It left me with insomnia that lasted 2 months after the job,

So naturally,
I started smoking weed on a daily basis,
Started hanging out with a girl,
That I shared memories with since age 15,
We liked to dip around in her yellow Prelude,
Always smoking,
Always laughing,
Little did I know my third manic episode was creepin,
The ramp up is amazing,
You see mania is like my white powder,
When I started crushing up those pills,
I made another white powder,
Justified it by saying that I was prescribed the medication,
Like some doctor had given me a note,
To ingest these pills through my nasal cavity,
Had to drop it though,
After I killed 8 bars in three days,
Two of which I can’t remember to this day,
Memories that you can’t remember,
Are normally newly formed regrets,

Now I was in a full blown manic episode,
Life was great,
I talked every second of every day,
My friends said I had stories for days,
My family said I needed to calm down,
And to stop talkin, just for a day,
All I did was skate, hang out with Kate, and smoke that magic dragon
Only slept two hours a night but that worked,
Had shit to do anyways,

But the thing is, it all catch up to you,
Lost 20 pounds in 3 weeks,
The one catch with mania,
Afterwards you spiral lower than you have ever been,
The thing is I’m a very happy person,
I love those that I spend my time with,
So when I started my spiral,
I became delusional,
I couldn’t stop shaking,
I thought all my friends and family hated me,
Thought that they wanted me to go to jail,
Or die,

My dance with the devil had begun,
It started with me pondering death,
What would people say,
Would they be happy I was gone,
Or not even notice this kid had dipped,
I knew my Mother would weep,
I knew it would break my father’s heart,
I knew my little siblings would wonder why,
I cried when I realized I would miss out,
On my baby siblings' growing up,
I knew my close friends would remember me,
I hoped they would get tattoos about me,
You see I had reached the lowest point in my life,
All I could ponder was death,

One day it got to the point,
Where I looked at my family with distrust,
That was the day I gave my Mother my final goodbyes,
I hugged her as hard as I could,
Told her she was the best mother anyone could ask for,
Gave her a fake smile,
Told her I was going on a walk,
Earlier that day I spent two hours on the trampoline,
With my three year old little brother,
Watched my one year old sister running in the grass,
Hugged them both,
Told them I would watch over them,
Memorized their faces so I would never forget them,
Now I’m walking away from all of them,
Cigarette in my lips,
Ear buds already in,

So I’m standing at the end of my road,
Immoral technique in my ear,
Wondering where I wanted to die,

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Forever Under His Wings Part 2 - Visitor's Poem

by Casey Rengo
(Pullman, WA, United States )

So I stumbled in the direction of Covington,
It’s funny because looking back on it,
I had a voice in the back of my head the entire time,
It kept interrupting my pondering,
You know you don’t want to die,
I truly believe my grandfather was watching that day,
Like I was watching as a baby when he passed,
Now he looked down on his family,
Always to watch over those he loved,
He threw many obstacles at me,
Like my friend Brian,
Who picked me up,
Just spotted me walking,
Offered me a ride,
It took me 2 minutes to decide,
Paranoia had its hand wrapped around my brain,
But I got in and he gave me a ride,
He tried to figure out what was wrong the entire time,
All I could say was that everything was me,
I was the cause of everything,
That I created in my mind,
He didn’t know how wrong things really were,
Because when you struggle with a mental illness,
The fake smile is your friend,
When we got there we talked for a minute,
He thought I was having a bad trip,
Ran into his work and got another friend of mine,
Brandon came out a minute later,
Which stopped me from walking away,
To pursue my goal,
You see me and Brandon have been close friends for years,
That day I thought his work mic was a wire,
Said everything was all good,
Just was bored and walking around,
So he left me alone,

Even after running into two good friends,
I was still intent on reaching my goal,
I was completely delusional,
Thought everything was a little clue,
To the reason,
Why everybody hated me,
So I walked away from Brandon,
For some reason I couldn’t stand him,
That’s when I ran into my second obstacle,
I ran into my old friend Malorie that I had not seen in years,
She was just randomly hanging out in Covington,
When she lives close to Seattle,
She tried to start catching up with me,
But I was so delusional at that point,
That I wasn’t talking in full sentences,
She asked me what was wrong,
Just like everyone else¸
At that point I just wanted to be alone,
So I could resume,
My dance with the Devil,

Now this took around two hours,
I reached my final destination,
A side road near Costco,
I sat down on the side of the road,
Just watched the cars pass,
Trying to figure out when the time was right,
How I would jump off the curb,
But every time I got close,
It looked like a cliff with no floor,
No place that I would land,
But that paranoia twisted its grip,
Basically wringing my brain,
If I didn’t die something terrible would happen to my family,
For some reason that I could not figure out,
I sat there and played Eni, mini, miny, and moe,
Every time I got to moe,
That voice in the back of my head screamed at me,
Felt a touch on my shoulder,
That turned into a steel grip,
But I would just start over,
Ignore the man that stood beside me,

That is where my mother found me,
Sitting on the side of the road,
“Waving his fingers at the cars that passed by him”,
Little did she know that her father was standing by me,
With one hand on my shoulder,
Waving at his daughter driving by,
With his wings spread wide,

I counted her car as she passed too,
Before she could turn around,
She’s the one that saved me from myself,
While her father saved me from me,
I don’t know how long it would have taken,
But the night was still young,
That night was the night I went to Fairfax,
I’ll let the really curious figure out,
But it’s where they put the crazies,
If you know what I mean,

After about a month of recovery,
I was somewhat back to normal,
But I knew a few things,
Like to never doubt that my family and friends love me,
To take my medication,
And to put it in my past,
I grew so much as a person,
I feel like I was saved that day,
All from the all too real,
Alternate world that I had fallen into,

Now in the present,
I love college especially ones,
That reside in Pullman, and not in Seattle,
But Seattle knows I still got love,
After everything was said and done,
It was just a memory,
Now I want to achieve all the dreams,
That I used to think were just dreams,
Well now there goals,
That I know I can accomplish,
I want people to realize there never alone,
Even in the darkest of places,
You always have somebody to reach too,
Also from someone who has suffered so much,
Because of Bipolar,
Please realize that it cuts deep,
When people belittle it,
Act like they have it cause they're emotional,
Because you see I would love to give everybody,
My closest personal story,
So maybe Bipolar awareness is raised,
I hope that maybe I can inspire one person,
To look more into themselves,
So that more of these stories don’t have to be created,
I’ll leave you with a quote from my father,
The funny thing that most people with bipolar have in common,
They refuse to believe the reason they're feeling better,
Is because they're back on their medication,
It’s like if cancer patients had one pill,
That would cure their cancer,
And all they have to do is take it every day,
But they refuse to believe they're not dying,
Because of that pill,
It’s personally funny to me because my father told it to me,
And he still refuses to take medication.

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