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Mini Bites of Funny Sayings

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Here's a collection of funny sayings to bring some laughs and amusement to your day.

Cast aside your 101 things to do, sit down, scroll down, and let these funny quotations melt away your stress, bring out your mirth and laugh away.

Do not be too hasty in your reading, try to slowly savor these delicious funny quotes that come in very digestible bite-size.


A father is someone who carries pictures where his money used to be.
-- Author Unknown

A memorandum is written not to inform the reader but to protect the writer.
--Dean Acheson

A wide screen just makes a bad film twice as bad.
-- Sam Goldwyn

Always listen to experts. They'll tell you what can't be done, and why. Then do it.
-- Robert A. Heinlein

An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field.
-- Niels Bohr

Children aren't happy without something to ignore. And that's what parents were created for.
-- Ogden Nash, The Parents

Crackpot is an excellent job because the expectations are so low. No one ever tells crackpots that they should be doing more.
-- Scott Adams

Education is when you read the fine print. Experience is what you get if you don't.
-- Pete Seeger

Equal opportunity means everyone will have a fair chance at being incompetent.
-- Laurence J. Peter

Experience is what you get when you don't get what you wanted.
-- Ann Landers

Facts are meaningless. You can use facts to prove anything that's remotely true!
-- Homer Simpson, The Simpsons

Falling in love consists merely in uncorking the imagination and bottling the common sense.
-- Helen Rowland

Fanaticism consists in redoubling your effort when you have forgotten your aim.
-- George Santayana

Fitness: if it came in a bottle everyone would have a great body.
-- Cher

Flattery is telling other people exactly what they think of themselves.
-- Author Unknown

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
-- George Burns

Hindsight is always twenty-twenty.
-- Billy Wilder

Get the facts first. You can distort them later .
-- Mark Twain

Gossip: a person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
-- Author Unknown

How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? - Rename the folder 'Instruction manuals'.
-- Author Unknown

I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.
-- Charles Lamb

I am not a glutton - I am an explorer of food.
-- Erma Bombeck

I burned sixty calories. That should take care of the peanut I ate in 1962.
-- Rita Rudner

I don't accept flowers. I take nothing perishable.
-- Paulette Goddard

I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.
-- Mitch Hedberg

I never exaggerate. I just remember big.
-- Chi Chi Rodriguez

I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.
-- George Burns

I speak two languages: English and Body.
-- Mae West

I will do anything to look like him - except, of course, exercise or eat right.
-- Steve Martin

I won't stand for gossip! No, I sit down and make myself comfortable for gossip.
-- Crabby Road

I'm pretty private about my neuroses. You're not neurotic if you talk to yourself - everyone does - you're only neurotic if you hear an answer.
-- Rachel Weisz

Imagination is the highest kite that one can fly.
-- Lauren Bacall

In spite of the cost of living, it's still popular.
-- Kathleen Norris

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
-- Jerry Seinfeld

Life is like an overnight bag. If you try to cram too much into it., something has got to give.
-- Author Unknown

Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewellery.

-- Rita Rudner

Minds are like parachutes; they only function when they are open.
-- Thomas Robert Dewar

Money isn't everything, but it ranks right up there with oxygen.
-- Rita Davenport

My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside.
-- Roseanne Barr

My first psychiatrist said I was paranoid, but I want a second opinion because I think he's out to get me.
-- Tom Wilson

Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths.
-- Edith Summerskill

Nothing dispels enthusiasm like a small admission fee.
-- Kin Hubbard

Rice is great when you're hungry and want two thousand of something.
-- Mitch Hedberg

Sometimes I need what only you can provide - your absence.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant

Spoon feeding in the long run teaches us nothing but the shape of the spoon.
-- E.M. Forster

The family - that dear octopus from whose tentacles we never quite escape.
-- Dodie Smith, Dear Octopus

The first time someone said, 'What are your measurements?' I answered, '37, 24, 38 - but not necessarily in that order.'
-- Carol Burnett

The hard drive on your computer will only crash when it contains vital information that has not been backed up.
-- Murphy's Laws of Computers

The only normal people are the ones you don't know very well.
-- Joe Ancis

The simplest toy, one which even the youngest child can operate, is called a grandparent.
-- Sam Levenson

There was no need to do any housework at all. After the first four years the dirt doesn't get any worse.
-- Quentin Crisp, The Naked Civil Servant

There's one great advantage to living to 105 - no peer pressure.
-- Author Unknown

They should put expiration dates on clothing so we men will know when they go out of style.
-- Garry Shandling

You know you're addicted to the Internet when your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.
-- Author Unknown

You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'.
-- Homer Simpson, The Simpsons

You're not famous until my mother has heard of you.
-- Jay Leno

What is a weed? A plant whose virtues have not been discovered.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson, Fortune of the Republic

What is originality? Undetected plagiarism.
-- William Ralph Inge, Assessments and Anticipations

When you finally buy enough memory, you won't have enough disk space.
-- Murphy's Laws of Computers

Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.
-- Robert M. Hutchins

Why is it better to fight with a rottweiler than your mother-in-law? - The rottweiler eventually lets go.
-- Author Unknown

Zeal: a certain nervous disorder affecting the young and inexperienced.
-- Ambrose Bierce

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